Break Up Survival Process

Today's post is going to be some advice that I wish I had taken more seriously. If you get out of a long relationship, please give yourself a chance to enjoy being single. You do not necessarily have to go "buck wild" (as the kids say), but you can give yourself a chance to meet a lot of new people and decide what you are really interested in. If you do not give yourself a chance to see what you really like, chances are that you will inadvertently look for someone with similar characteristics of your ex. Because it is the beginning of the relationship, this new guy will be incredibly sweet and amazing, but still have those qualities that you are so used to. The problem is, this guy will inevitably start doing the same dumb shit your ex did once he gets comfortable. With this, you will find yourself starting all over with the nonsense that you finally got yourself over.

Here is the break up survival process:

1. Start hanging out with your friends and lean on them through the whole "grieving process". PLEASE do not rely on a new man for this process because than you will develop feelings too quickly and things will get ugly. We develop these feelings because he seems so so reliable and he must really care and you can really open up to them about your previous relationship (blah blah blah bullshit bullshit bullshit). He is just trying to get in so do not be so vulnerable when you start looking for a man. If you meet the man of your dreams right after a break up, just tell him you need some time to yourself and if he really cares he'll wait for you (cliche as hell but completely true).

2. Start going out to places you do not normally go so you can get to know a new crowd. There is no point in going to the same bars or house parties that you always go to because than you probably will have a hard time meeting someone new.

3. (MOST IMPORTANT) Do not jump into a new relationship for at least a few months after the break up. That seems like a long time to be single if you were in a long term relationship, but it will really pay off in the end. You need to be completely independent before you start a new relationship. Trust me!!!!

4. When you are finally ready, start a relationship with the guy that always stuck by you and was not just expecting a quick hook up out of you. (sorry for being so graphic but you will meet tons of these asshole while you are "dating")



As I have mentioned before in a previous post, I have made this mistake recently and it really sucks. Because of it I am incredibly bitter and have major trust issues. On the bright side, I hopefully helped someone through my cataclysmic mistakes. Remember, enjoy being single and do not settle for the first guy that you meet. Every guy spits mad game in the beginning, but it does not mean that they will stay that way.

There is no real reason to be friends with an ex ...

Some people are lucky enough not to have a rocky breakup and can manage to stay friends afterwards. For the rest of the world, it literally makes no sense to continue to be friends. First and foremost, if he broke up with you or was acting like such an asshole that you had to break up with him, DON'T BE HIS FRIEND! I guarantee that no matter how much you tell yourself that you are over it, you still have some feelings for him. If you guys hang out and stay friends, these feelings will resurface and force you to fall into the same mess all over again. Though he might be acting friendly, he does not want you back (sorry to break the news). He more than likely cares about you, but he is not in love with you. You may even convince him into another relationship, but it will not last and you will have to go through a second break up. Men are cowards and will not admit that they do not want to be together to your face. They will just act like complete assholes and push you away until you finally give up and break up with them. They do this because they do not want "hurt your feelings", but little do they know that continuously lying to you and making you work so hard to fix a broken relationship will hurt your feelings far worse than just telling the truth (go figure).

I apologize I got incredibly sidetracked. Anyway, do not convince yourself that there is a reason you SHOULD be friends because there isn't. For instance, I (like a moron) decided to date one of my neighbors. Things did not work out and we decided we should be friends because we live in the same building and have to see each other all the time. STUPID! Please trust me, it will not work out. Our friendship led to a string of on and offs, several fights, and an embarrassing amount of tears. So I took some time away from him and realized that he is mentally retarded and I must have been temporarily out of my mind to find him tolerable for this long. He and I still speak to each other but I have made it extremely clear to him that he and I are NOT friends. We do not spend any extended amounts of time together and I have managed to keep myself out of trouble.

WARNING: If you do not take my advice and you do start befriending an ex, please be advised that if he is acting overly friendly it is more than likely that he is fiending. Please don't be tricked into thinking he really cares, especially if he has not been making any real effort to talk to you. The idiot next door tried to pull the "I miss you" crap after not seeing me for two weeks but fortunately I am not as naive as he expects. When he tried to kiss me and got mad that I did not return the favor, I was able to get him to admit it was only because he was "lonely" and was trying to fill his needs for the moment. Unfortunately for me, the fact that I have been acting like a complete asshole to him has been making him try harder even though he has no desire to pursue an adult relationship.

Playing Hard to Get

It is extremely unfortunate that the games we played in school to get boys to like us still apply in the adult world. Admittedly, the game has changed SLIGHTLY, but for the most part it is all the same nonsense. I am one of those types who does not like to be dependent on anyone. That being the case, I never let a guy see me being vulnerable and let him know how much I think about him. This has proven very successful in the past, but recently I had a little slip. I met a very compatible match, but I got too comfortable too fast. He and I pretty much "think" the same, so I was under the impression that I would not have to play games and I could just be honest with him. I was terribly naive. He wanted to be ignored and to be kept at a distance so he could work to keep me. I, of course, did not realize this because I have yet to have found a male that could be as straight forward as myself. However, I do know it now and at very least I have learned from this mistake. It is unfortunate to know that I can never be completely comfortable with a guy, but that is what happens when you mix two completely different species.

Being clingy will never get you anywhere. I have yet to meet a male that likes a girl to be clingy. They might say that they want a girl that wants to spend all of their time with them, but once they get it, they are going to change their mind. Do not be afraid to put a little distance between you and your significant other. It is not your job to keep things going (whether you want it to be or not). When a male is not working for the relationship he is getting lazier and lazier and will inevitably take advantage of the fact that you do all the work.

Moral: The most important advice I can give is to keep your game up and do not let your guard down. If you get too comfortable, he will too.

Don't Get Too Excited ....

Admittedly, today's post is slightly more graphic than usual, however, this situation has come up amongst my friends I thought it would appropriate (maybe) for the blog. How do I say this ... oh yeah ... drunken hook ups are more than likely not going to go anywhere!!! Allow me to elaborate. If you are out and about and you meet a nice guy that seems really into you, you need to make sure he is not drunk first. There are a few simple drunk tests you can do before you continue speaking to the guy.

1. Breath test - See if he is radiating with the smell of alcohol. Not the most accurate test but a good start

2. Lean test - Is the guy leaning on you an awful lot? Not a good sign

3. Ask test - Simply ask him WHAT he has been drinking or is currently drinking. In my experience, when a male (especially a young male) is drinking a lot, they tend to list off everything they've had to drink if you seem to show any interest.




I cannot begin to tell you how many times I have heard the same story about a girl meeting such a sweet guy at the bar and she decides to go home with him (or vice versa) and then she either never hears from him again or if she does, he acts really strange. Why exactly is he acting strange?? HE DOESN'T REMEMBER YOU. First of all, if you are on the hunt for an actual relationship, please stop searching in a bar. It is intensely hard to find a mature relationship in a place where people are intoxicated. This is not to say that you cannot find love in a bar, however, my suggestion is to not go home together that night. Maybe casually exchanging numbers would work? Just a suggestion.


Now trust me, I know it is going to be extremely tempting. He is going to sweet talk you and he will do it well. DON'T BE TEMPTED. Unfortunately, women are far too emotional for meaningless "flings". There are a small percentage of women who could hook up with a guy and not care if she ever heard from him again. For the rest of us, please do not try to convince yourself that you don't care. There is nothing wrong with actually having feelings for someone (despite popular belief). You may realize that a guy is probably not going to talk to you afterwards, but you talk yourself into thinking it's OK. IT'S NOT! Don't let yourself be an object just because you are lonely! You will inevitably feel worse about yourself because, not only will you still be lonely, but you will also feel cheap. Just do yourself a favor and bypass all that nonsense and just save the physical stuff for if he actually gives you a call the next day.


Also, if this is a guy you already know and he has never really talked to you before, then just be polite, but keep in mind that everything he says is utter bullshit. He may even go as far as to say that he was too shy before to tell you "how he felt", but chances are that it is just a really good line. Now I am not ruling out anything, he may genuinely have always liked you, but if you stay friendly, he will have no problem waiting until he is sober to "get to know each other". If he is awkward around you (avoiding you at all costs), then he just was trying to get an easy hook up and he did not really mean all those nice things he said (and trust me they will have been really nice).

Hot and Cold

So lately, the song that has been popping up over and over again on my ipod is Katy Perry's Hot and Cold. Ironically enough, it has been the most appropriate song for my current situation. The "man" (saying he is a man would be a massive compliment) that I have been dealing with has lived up to this song to the highest level. When we first met it was instant chemistry and we were so much alike it was scary. However, a few weeks in he started to get a little more distant and I had to battle for his attention. Now, I am not the type to fight for a guy, but this one seemed worth it. Let's just say I was mistaken (not that it happens often or anything). He and I were kind of on and off for the next few weeks. One minute he would tell me how important I am to him and how much he loves spending time with me and in the next instant (literally) he would tell me that he would rather enjoy being single and spending time with his friends. He obviously could not make up his mind.

So here comes the advice. If this describes your significant other ... RUN AND DON"T LOOK BACK. I'm serious. Especially if how he feels about seeing you is ever changing, you need to get out before you end up appearing on SNAPPED for murdering him. Women would like some sense of security and if he just wanted to take things slow that would be fine, but if he is not calling you and not seeing you for days on end, then that is not a good sign. If he does not know what he wants now, then chances are he won't know anytime soon. Also, he is going days on end without seeing or talking to you and still does not seem to "miss" you whatsoever. Then he is just taking advantage of the fact that you are waiting around.

Regardless of whether you want to stay with this person or not, giving him a lot of space will give you the best result. If he does realize that your existence filled some type of void in his life and he calls you then you have a better shot of snagging him. (Disclaimer: If he does call but still does not want to commit to some form of relationship, then drop him and maintain your sanity! Thanks) If he does not call, then you are much better off and you can enjoy meeting someone new.

Moral: I feel that an overall moral to this story is appropriate. I know it is hard when you meet someone that you have genuine feelings for and they sort of fall off the face of the earth, however, there are millions of other men out there and one will let you know how important you are. The males that are on the fence may actually be crazy about you, but they are in an immaturity stage that prevents them from making adult decisions. If you are ready for a relationship, you should not have to wait for somebody else. Life goes on, even if relationships don't!

Back in the Game

It has been an extremely long time since I last posted and I have decided to jump back into the game. I don't know if I am going to follow the "rule" format that I usually do, but we will see as soon as I start pulling this together. To be honest, I originally started this blog because I had to for a class. After the class ended, I discontinued my quest to give advice for multiple reasons. First and foremost, I am terribly lazy. Second, I started to run low on material. Luckily, I have experienced an array of bad luck and relationships since then, so I am overloaded with new info and experiences. Unfortunately, there may be an increase in cynicism and sarcasm after this point because I am far more bitter now than I was when I started this. I used to consider myself an expert on reading men, but after this past year I realized that I was dead wrong. Any male who reads this should be semi-flattered that I admit that not ALL men are the same. However, do not get too excited because they all fit into one category or another. Hopefully, I will be able to spread what I have learned from my own poor excuse of a social life and make sure that anyone who reads this will be aware before they make the same mistakes.